Mission Accomplished—Top Ranking in Google

Admiral Fishkin, Captain Rohrs, Fellow Officers, Diggers and Bloggers of the SEO world, my fellow Americans: Major combat in operation Giant Brass Balls have ended. In the Battle of the Greatest Living American, Colbert Nation and our allies have prevailed. And now our coalition is engaged in securing and reconstructing our hard earned ranking.

In this battle, we have fought for the cause of liberty, and for a piece of the SERP. Our nation and our coalition are proud of this accomplishment — yet it is you, the members of the Colbert Nation Strike Force, who achieved it. Your courage — your willingness to face danger for your country and for each other — made this day possible. Because of you, our nation is more secure. Because of you, the tyrant has fallen, and Serpia is free.

Operation Giant Brass Balls was carried out with a combination of precision and speed and boldness the enemy did not expect and the world had not seen before. From distant sites and blogs at sea, we sent links and anchors that destroyed the rank of our opposition and propelled a single target to the top. Webmasters and bloggers charged to the top across hundreds of intervening sites in one of the swiftest advances of ranking in search history. You have shown the world the skill and the might of Search Engine Optimization paired with the passion of Colbert Nation.

This nation thanks all of the members of our coalition who joined in a noble cause. We thank the Armed Forces of SEOmoz, The Bacon Nation, and SE Watch, who shared in the hardships of war. We thank all of the citizens of Digg who welcomed our troops and joined in the liberation in support of half a dozen guerrilla attacks. And tonight, I have a special word for Secretary Jarboe, for Generally Frank, and for all the men and women wear the flag of the Colbert Nation: Alchemist is grateful for a job well done.

The character of our military through history — the daring of Wikiality, the fierce courage of The White House Correspondents Dinner, the decency and idealism that turned enemies into allies — is fully present in this generation. When Serpian civilians looked into the faces of our servicemen and women, they saw strength, and kindness, and a sick sense of humor. When I look at the members of the Colbert Nation Strike Force, I see the best of our country, and I am honored to have served – temporarily- as your commander in chief.

In the images of fallen idols, we have witnessed the arrival of a new era. For a dozen years of search wars, culminating in the Google age, search technology was designed and deployed to inflict order on an ever-growing scale. In defeating keyword spam and imperial monopolies, Allied Forces destroyed entire portfolio, while leaders who escaped with golden parachutes and vested stock options. Market power was used to end regimes by breaking a company. With new tactics and precision weapons, we can achieve comedic objectives without directing violence against civilians. No device of man can remove the tragedy from war or avoid the detritus left behind by our campaign. With apologies to the brass ball industry, it wiil be a great advance when the politicians have far more to fear from search results than innocent, if obscure, awards.

In the images of celebrating SEO warriors, we have also seen the ageless appeal of victory. Decades of lies and intimidation could not make the Serpian people love their oppressors or desire their own enslavement. Men and women in every culture need natural search engine ranking like they need food and water and air. Everywhere that #1 position arrives, some human rejoices.

We have difficult work to do in Serpian. We are bringing order to parts of the results page that remain dangerous. We are pursuing and finding leaders of the old regime, who will be held to account for their crimes. We have begun the search positioning using biological weapons. We have already disclosed hundreds of sites that will be investigated. We are helping to rebuild Serpian, and we will stand with the writers of the show as they learn to establish a government of, by, and for the people of Colbert Nation. The transition from dictatorship to democracy took startling little time, but it is worth every effort. Our coalition will stay until our work is done. And then we will leave — and we will leave behind a new segment on our favorite show.

The Battle of Serpia is one victory in a war on hypocrisy that began on April 15, 2007. That terrible morning, three very tired men straggled home from New York — gave America and the civilized world a glimpse of their ambitions. They imagined, in the words of one bomber, that April 15th would be the "beginning of a really awesome new segment and maybe a chance to get a new client." By seeking to turn our web pages into tools of subversive ideas, Google Bombers and their allies believed that they could prove to this nation the power of our combined voices and force a new awareness on the world. It only took 7 days!.

Thank you for serving our country and our cause. May God bless you all, and may God continue to bless Stephen Colbert!